{ staintedblood- }

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Only had 1 hour sleep today. :l Uber tired, Woke up about 11 plus & fell aslept about 9.30 plus.
Really uber tired le, feel so fking depressed already. =( hais.
i don't know luhs, today about 3am plus talk loads of things with my cousins & kor.
thanks, for cheering me up guys!

they're always there when i need them when i feel so sad, depressed and everything.
anyways, kor is already hacking her account. :l
i told kor don't, but he was so fking angry of those two bitches what they did to me.
& i say, aiyoos, heck lohs. lols. :l but he never did listen.
life df le. lols!

didn't ate lunch & breakfast 'cos i was so full. :l roars!
full with the junkfoods inside my stomach, haha! thanks kor. i love u so. x)
you're always there when i need u. :]

so after i woke up, i went to watch tv luhs. went online then sms my hubby. x)
roars, i love kor<3 :] mwahs!<3 loadsloads. yeheyys!

so, i sms him then didn't talk lots of things. Hais.
he already arrive home le, then haohao le. lols.
________

I've been feeling moody lately. I was talking to my Cousin just mins ago about my birthday whether to open chalet. We somehow got carried away 'nd started talking bout our love life. I kinda breakdown a little while telling her how much i actually envy people. Even though most of the times couples tend to quarrel but that's what make the relationships stronger after telling each other what they dislike in them 'nd of cos to change for each other.

She was telling me her problems in her relationships but somehow i envy her. In my point of view, she's better off than me. For examples, when she needs someone there, the first person that comes to her mind is her family of cos.
Cause she knows no matter what happens, her family we'll always be there for her.
Or maybe, when she's bored 'nd she just wanted to craps on house. usually friends towards friends they have mostly nothing to talk about.
But towards Gf 'nd Bf, they talk bout everything under the sun. She can call him up. Or how about, when she wants to go out,
Bf's would always be the first they'll call. Friends would always have their own other appointment 'nd some would also be with their Bf's.

But to her point of view, she thinks having Bf's sometimes
hurt cos they quarrel & argue. And she thinks there's no freedom in meeting others. But from my point of view, it's because they care. They just wanna make sure you're fine. Even though if you quarrel bout meet him/her,
i'm sure becos he's jealous 'nd this shows he loves you.

I don't understand why people don't cherish their relationships, take them for granted. When relationships tend to get worst, quarrels turns to fights, breakups.
Than you'll always learn to regret. ._.

Star :: remember whatever happens, i'm always here. right beside you. standing right beside you following you through your darkness moments. walking together towards the light. i know sometimes we argue, we quarrel. we have hatreds in ourselves. we don't tell it to each other. we sometimes even ignore each other. but you do know that no matter what. we get back together quicky. still joke with each other . not ending our friendship . your little paper heart that you drew for me, it's still in my wallet. it reminds me of you . our precious friendship. the little promise we made, not to end our friendship. so whatever you're going through. you can always look for me. like how you always do. talk to me in msn, asking me for advice. what to do. even when you're down. i can promise to be there for you. although i'm not good in words. i don't really know how to cheer someone up. but i can stay right beside you. i'll be your listening ears. i'll lend you my shoulders to cry on. 'nd when you're happy. i'll be there to share your joys (:

Waiyee :: hey girl, you're in camp now. i hope you're doing fine. i'm glad to see you leading life happily agains. not like before. i'm glad you found someone you can smile with everyday. you're happy with life now, no more complains in you blog. although you 'nd shamus quarrel once in awhile. but i'm sure he don't hurt you like how melvin does. seeing you happy. no more throwing tamtrums or crying over stupid fools kinda make me happy too. well girl, i still miss the days when we're at IMH, or when you're at my house. doing nonsense rubbish stuffs. we share our happy moments 'nd sadness together. always telling each other our problems before bed. 'nd i remember you would always put me to sleep during the night. 'nd i always will have to drag you out of bed in the morning for accompanying me to bathe. lols. anyways, i still hope for that trip to NewZealand soon. i'm looking forward to it. i really hope we'll make it there. (:

ahaha, my cousin told me this when i was bathing. when i read it. i was stunt for a while. i catch no balls. i was thinking, what has the bear got to do with the old man. 'nd than i think hard. lols. 'nd i laugh like shit. he ment, someone mus have made his bride pregnant. cos it's impossible for him. ahahas ! =x

An 80year old man us having his annual checkup. the doctor asks him how's he feeling. "i've never been better!" he replies "i've got an 18 yr old bride who's pregnant and carrying my child!" the doctor considers this for a moment then said, "well... let me tell u abt a story. i know this guy who's an avid hunter. he never misses a season. but one day, he's in a bit of a hurry. he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. so he's in the woods and suddenly, a big bear appeared... the hunter points his umbrella at the bear and squeezes the handle. the bear dropped dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest."
"that's impossible!" said the old man. "somebody else must have shot the bear!"
"Exactly!" the doctor replied...

lols, & i know it was fking lame luhs. ._.

______

sometimes when you think all hope is gone. you know that your family is something you can count on when you badly need advice or help from them. but no, all are rubbish. i just relise that even your own family can backstab you.
freakingshits. mum told me to help her transfer her song in her handfone to the computer, as she doesn't knows how.

i was bored, i know this is wrong. but i went to read her sms. i was bored luhs. 'nd she sent loads of freaking smses to my dad. saying she's tired of me. 'nd she said, even weilis(myeldestcousin) is also fedup 'nd tired of her. great, i jus know that two family memebers hates me. nevermind, than i read another sms saying, lynn(2ndoftheeldestinthegirlscousins) knows about my suituation in school cos she knows my classmate(leon). than my mum said, don't tell whitney as she doesn't knows that lynn knows her classmate. whatthefuck. i'm like their daughter, so what if their
doing all this for my good. they really hurt me like crazy.

i thought they would be the people whom i can always count on. i use to belive that children can never share their secrets or personal problems to their parents or their sisters/brothers. but my dad prove me wrong. he said something like, you know we always wanted to sit down 'nd talk to you. talk about your feelings, any problems you can always find us or talk to your sisters. we won't scold you but we'll give you advice. he told me all this when i commited suicide. i thought from that moment, any problems i could always look for them. especially my kor, mei & cousins that i'm very close to. we always talk together, laugh together, shop together, craps 'nd sometimes share our deepest sorrows inside us together.

but now it seems that even my second sister is sick of me. even my youngest sister, can keep so much stuffs from me. from that moment i saw that sms. i thought to myself, am i still part of the family. should i jus packed up. leave them, so they could live happily without my nonsense. but i just couldn't do it. i know they would look for me. 'nd because of my mum sending all such of smses to my dad, i guess he's also slowly trying to get rid or me. he use to call me everyday after school, ask how am i coping. eat already not, how's school today 'nd all.

but it seems like he forggoten me. or did her jus wanna forget me. i so wanted to blame my mum for all this that's happening, but i know its not totally her fault. somehow i think i did something bad, 'nd they all jus got tired of my nonsense. but what did i do? i did nothing. all i could remember is i'm always at home. locked alone in my room. never disturbing them. 'nd i hope they don't disturb me too cos i jus wanna be alone. that's all i ever do everyday. 'nd even if i did something wrong. how bad can it be till their all giving up on me.

i thought the strongest relationship is family bonding? so who am i suppose to count on now when i know some friends can't be trusted, some friends you can't count on. left with your family, but now their all trying their best to keep everything from you. not talking to me, seldom even share bout our problems anymore. forget it, i guess. they never treated me as a family member. i'm always treated like a white cloth. a transparent one.
but why do they still bother to pretend 'nd act infront of me. i'm their daughter. i am.
but why....

i feel lost, devestated, isolated. i feel that i'v suddenly lost something so precious that money can't buy. something so important you can't live without it. AFamily. it means so much to me. i cried so badly when i was typing everything ontop, does this means i still love them dearly? so whats, do they even love me..

i asked many people, what would you do if you were to find out all this. their replys, if my family did this to me, i would rather die. others said, my family will never do this to me, if they will. i rather die better. so what am i to do now since i've ended up an unloved child. die? would it really solved all problems? even if i die, i just wanna see them cry for me, for that.

i know they still love me. or are they just worried to spend much money on my furneral? my mind is in a whirl, i'm confused. troubled 'nd sad. i really don't know what's happening to my life. few months back when i commited suicide, i thought i lost everything. so i wanted to end my life . than i relise the only people that still continue lifes with me. staying right by me is my family. but now i know they ain't loving me anymore. so what am i to do? can someone please tell me what to do? i'm all lost now, i feel like i'm a newbie borned into a new world. without friends, family. without anyone to help me through.

i need some shoulders to cry on.. i don't know whats happening i feel so fking depressed already.. hais.. if i'm gone maybe u all would be freaking satisfied of it.. =( only dad & God, my hubby cousins mei and kor can understand my feelings..=(

I feel like a weakling. getting sick everyday without fail. i suspect i'm dying soon. either i'm up with some cancer shyts or i'm dying of all illness. hmms, my hair seems to drop. not like usual last time. they drop every now and then. i can build like a hair-castle with all the hairs. it's really so much luhs. when i bathe 'nd look at all my hairs dropping. omg, i really suspect i've got some cancer thingy. nevermind bout that, 'nd than i seems to get bad headaches every now 'nd then. always giddy 'nd out of a sudden my vision jus go blur.

kinda shock me, cos it feels like you're gonna faint any moment. 'nd i shiver for no reason. and then out of a sudden, i sweat. cold sweats. something is totally not right. of cos ! this tummy ache that hurts like shyts. i can hardly even walk straight. i gotta walk with my hands pressing against my tummy 'nd bending while walking. super painful. my neck, it's reacting agains. so painful. T.T so achey kind of feeling. so 'SUAN' all this sickness doesn't happen like so often usually. some only happen like once in awhile. 'nd now it happens everyday.

'nd all at a time. i can't barely take it. even if fall asleep as early as 8.oopm and wake up at 3.oopm feeling still very sleepy 'nd go back to sleep for another one whole day. this is so bad. i never slept for so long 'nd still wake up feeling tired. i can still go back to sleep agains after waking up. i just spent my everydays sleeping. yet i still feel very very tired. very weak. i'm not feeling too good this few days. almost everyday i got tummy aches, headaches. almost everything is reacting on me luhs. i guess i'm on the edge to my coffin.
):

can someone comfirm to me that i'm dying soon? i don't know what's happening to me. i don't wanna die yet. i just wanna watch the erh something forgot le LIVE at the stadium. 'nd after that, for all i care. just let me die. i'm gonna DIE too. so it doesn't really matters to anyone. i guess one one would even bother bout my absence (:

`&♥onelastdance[:<3 3:46 PM